Behind These Hazel Eyes
by Cyberspace
Summary: PostOD. A oneshot about everyone's favorite female captain and exactly what's behind her hazel eyes.


**_I'm back in the AF fandom! Which means... yes, I read the Opal Deception. -sigh- It was pretty good. Not as good as the Eternity Code, I'm afraid. Root's death was indeed traumatic, truffles are indeed quite divine, Artemis's stint as an obnoxious teenager sent me giggling for days, he's going straight, which is quite depressing, don't you think? Not that I don't like the new model. _**

**_Oh, how could I forget that Holly and Artemis have become officially friends, and they have shared quite a lot of skinship such as hugging each other for protection, grasping each other's shoulders for reassurance, Holly punching Artemis playfully on the arm... -sigh- Which means that more A/H shippers will be produced.Yes! A/H is so realistic and so mature and so responsible and SO DAMN WONDERFUL!I must say, A/H supporters are quite passionate...They also have quite an imagination. No. Really. But DESPITE their creativity, they have overlooked one itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny, infinitesimal fact. Perhaps the skinship had taken place because Holly and Artemis were FRIENDS! Yes! Friends! What an interesting possibility! _**

**_Okay. I must stop. A/H shippers might be reading this, and they might get seriously annoyed, thus flaming me. Don't take me wrong, I am trying very hard to tolerate A/H. Very. Anyhow, enough with the sarcasm, on to the disclaimer._**

**Disclaimer: **Whatever.

**_Okay, that was easy, wasn't it? The song belongs to Kelly Clarkson, the title is obviously _Behind These Hazel Eyes._ Enjoy. It fits incredibly well, right down to the eye color, I must say._**

**Warning: **Those looking for Root/Holly pairings and Root/Holly pairings only, just...go. Get. That's it. Go away. Fly far away, to the land of peace and happiness where crazy authoresses aren't prancing around wildly. That's it. Spread your wings, flap them, and just believe you can fly:) Yes! You can do it! Go!

**_On with the story._**

* * *

**Behind These Hazel Eyes**

_  
Seems like just yesterday  
you were a part of me  
I used to stand so tall  
I used to be so strong_

"Noooooooooo!"

She woke up in the middle of the night, her scream of horror still resounding in the darkness. Her clothes and bed sheets were soaked in perspiration, and her fearful eyes searched the room desperately. After realizing it was all a dream, she plopped onto her bed with an exhausted sigh. She had had a nightmare, indeed; a nightmare that depicted Commander Root and his death so vividly that Holly felt as if she was reliving it. It seemed like yesterday that Root had been by her side. He had treated her as his daughter, and she as her father. The commander played a great role in her life, and was one of the reasons why Holly always felt so strong. Now he was gone forever. Without him, who would she be?

She used to work in the LEP, but the LEP was no longer a part of her anymore. Not with Sool in charge. It was strange how Police Plaza had always felt like a home to her. Yet the place wasn't her home….why should it be? She wasn't Captain Holly Short, about-to-become Major Short anymore. She was just Holly, one hopeless elf.

_Your arms around me tight  
everything it felt so right  
Unbreakable  
like nothing could go wrong_

"Be well." The last words of her employer. It was meant for her. Somehow, Julius had managed to keep calm even during the last moments of his life. Managed to keep a taut smile on his face as the metal box crushed his bones. Managed to give out professional orders until the very end. Just like the commander he was. She would never be like him, Holly was sure of it. Root's indirect protection of her had felt like two arms enveloping her slim body. The metal could have pulverized his bones, but Julius's headstrong heart could never be broken. When she was a captain and he a commander, it felt as if nothing could go wrong even in the gravest dangers. Now everything was wrong. Everything was all wrong.

_Now I can't breathe  
No I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on_

Not too long ago, after endless nights of thrashing in her bed, Holly had actually taken out all her belongings that reminded her of Root. Her silver acorns. The LEP uniform and helmet that Foaly had forced her to keep. The communicator that led to Artemis Fowl. Her badge and Neutrino 3000 were unfortunately confiscated, but she was glad to have what she now had.

Normally she would spend her time until the crack of dawn calling first Mulch, then Foaly, and last Artemis. But that only made her feel guilty. None of them said a harsh word nor did their eyes flash annoyance. Even so, Holly knew she was disturbing their sleep. She didn't want her sadness to become a burden, but she didn't want to disseminate the sadness to people around her, either.

But she couldn't sleep. Her throat always felt tight, as if insomnia had the power of obstructing one's breathing. What was she to do?

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up deep inside_

If she was still a captain, she wouldn't have mourned for his death as much as she did now. Professional officers rarely had time for personal grieving. But after she threw the badge at Commander Sool and walked out the door, all the emotions she had restrained for so long came rushing toward her like a tidal wave. Her tiny body couldn't withstand so much pressure. The memories were too ghastly to reminisce, and not only Root's death. Her parents' death, the pain she had endured as a Recon jockey, the agony she had experienced when Artemis had held her for ransom… did that seem like a long time ago. As old memories reduced her to tears, she realized she wasn't as brave or strong as she had thought. Not anymore. Not without him.

By the time she finally started smiling again, everyone had told her that it looked a bit awkward. People thought it was strange that Holly would be so distressed at Root's death; after all, she had managed to fight back tears even at her parents' funeral. No one understood Holly's feelings at the moment. They always said, you'll get better someday. You'll get over it.

No, she couldn't. Her mind was in tatters, and possibly beyond total repair. Even Holly herself couldn't deny it. Besides, nobody gets over a friend's death. They just tolerate it as much as they can and try to move on.

_But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
behind these hazel eyes _

She had promised herself to cry no more; yet her round hazel eyes were already overflowing with tears.

_  
I told you everything  
Opened up and let you in  
You made me feel all right  
__for once in my life_

She climbed out of her small bed and this time pulled out a thin, gilded photo album. It had pictures of her as a baby, as a toddler, with parents who had both deceased. Towards the end, there were pictures taken at school, at her university, as a cadet. Pictures with Trouble, Foaly, Lili Frond (against Holly's will, of course), the statue of Cupid, and her one and only picture with the one-time commander.

The photograph was faded and dog-eared; yet in her eyes the picture looked as good as new. Next to a grinning Holly, Root was smiling. Holly barked out a sound between a laugh and a sob as she saw his face again. At that time, it had taken thirty minutes just to convince him to smile.

He may have looked blunt on the outside, but his heart was always warm. That Holly knew. He was the person she could trust, the person she could open up her mind to anytime she wanted. The person who always made her feel important.

Now all that's left in me  
is what I pretend to be  
_So together but  
__so broken up inside_

_  
_The reason people cry for someone's death is because they can't believe it. They can't quite put their finger on the fact that they would never see that someone again. Perhaps that was why she was crying every hour of the day. Although she reviewed the death several times through the video, she still couldn't believe her eyes. The painful memory that surged up inside her when she saw herself supposedly shooting the commander didn't exactly help. It was as if the video broke her into pieces again, yet she had to see it. She had to confirm that the incident had actually happened. She always managed to pull herself together, though. Pretending. It was all about pretending. She'll keep pretending until that's all she has left. _Then_ perhaps she could admit his death, and move on.

_  
Cause I can't breathe  
No I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on_

One of the many emotions that haunted her sleep was guilt. She shouldn't have believed Opal's words. She should have obeyed Root for once. There _was_ no sweet spot. If she hadn't expedited his death by shooting the red dot, they could have both lived. Could have. If she wasn't stupid enough to play the heroine……… maybe someone would have come to save them both. Trouble said she was one of the best. Root said she was instinctive. If intuition caused a so-called 'one of the best' Recon officer to kill the commander, then… well, she didn't want that d'Arviting intuition anymore.

_  
Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up deep inside  
__But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
behind these hazel eyes  
_

Sometimes this guilt blossomed into hate. Why did he have to die anyway? Holly had pleaded, said that they must leave… it was Root who chose to remain. If he had only listened to what she said………. With these thoughts a spark of anger rose to the surface, but Holly quickly banished the thought. She knew Root wasn't to blame. If there was anyone to blame, it would have been Opal Koboi herself. Even Artemis had concluded that there was no way out of that chute. Maybe she didn't commit a fault as great as she thought... maybe she tried her best. Holly desperately tried to comfort herself. _Julius,_ she thought as she looked skyward. _You are watching from up there, aren't you?_

_  
Swallow me then spit me out  
For hating you, I blame myself  
Seeing you it kills me now  
No I don't cry  
on the outside anymore  
__Anymore………._

As she quickly organized her turbulent thoughts into her mind, she felt slightly better. For hating Root, she blamed herself. Loneliness was killing her……… but next time, perhaps things will work out a bit easily. Perhaps then, she'll be able to keep her promise to cry no more. At least not on the outside.

_  
Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up deep inside  
__But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
behind these hazel eyes……….  
_

With tears crusted on her cheeks, Holly buried her face in her pillow and fell asleep.

* * *

**_A bit shorter than the usual one-shot, but nevertheless adequate for portraying emotions without boring people. Okay. You like it, review. You have critiques, review. You don't like it, review. You wanna flame me, review, I don't give a damn anyway. You feel like throwing hand grenades to my house for some bizarre reason... well, don't do that, but just review. _**

**_Sayonara._**

**_Cyberspace_**


End file.
